Seventh entry, the first week complete! So it’s not an exact week ’cause I skipped a couple days, but come on! Props for endurance, amirite?
I’ve been having the biggest craving to play Neverwinter Nights 2 lately, but I’ve been putting it off and putting it off. Finally, the urge to play became too great, and I sat down to install it while I wrote this blog entry. I open the box, and the CD isn’t in there. It isn’t in there! Where the HELL is it?! I’ve lost it. I don’t know where it is. That shits me enough. What shits me even more is that I have to buy it again, digitally. Which is okay, apart from the massive 11GB download. But no, what shits me is that the whole game, plus the two expansions is only $19.95 on Steam. And it’s not even on sale. I still have the sticker on one of the boxes from the FIRST time I bought it, and it was $49.95 on it’s own. ARGH. I know, I know, I’m essentially complaining about how cheap shit on the internet is. But it shits me that they make us pay so much money at launch and then still it for next to nothing later.
Anyway, annoying. But I’m not meant to be talking about annoying things today! That was yesterday! Today I’m meant to be talking about what makes me happy.
I realised today how vague all these questions are. Tim suggests that’s part of the exercise. But I’ve also noticed how self-centred they are. Basically, sit down and talk about yourself for a month. It’s not really what I had in mind, but I didn’t look too closely at each day’s question because I wanted it to be spontaneous. Oh well, if you’re still reading, I guess you must like me!
In related news, I’ve discovered something that makes me happy just lately. And that is having projects. I’ve always wanted to have a hobby or something I can work towards, but I guess I always got too meta and started thinking I needed a hobby for the sake of a hobby, and not just because I enjoyed doing something. I also lacked the imagination to come up with anything, but that’s neither here nor there.
In the space of a few days I’ve been working on a few projects at once, and it has been SUPER satisfying! There is, of course, this blog. It’s been around for a while, of course, but actively posting in it everyday is a new experience. I’ve also been working on sort of an art project with Tim. It’s basically just our names on a big piece of wood, but we’re decorating them and making them look awesome. I think I just officially finished my name today, and I’m really happy with how it turned out. I ripped up old sheet music and sort of pasted it on randomly to cover the letters, and then painted over the top of that. I wanna say it’s like papier mache, but it’s not really, cause it’s just a single layer of paper, and it looks classier. The slightly yellowed sheet music is a really nice touch, and I painted with Tim’s Warhammer paints, specifically the foundation paints, which gave the paint a really nice thick cartoony sort of colouring, without the paint itself being too thick.
Unforunately, I think I really got the hang of painting on them on the last letters, so that’s a little disappointing. But as I said, I’m still thoroughly chuffed with how it turned out. I’ll post pictures when Tim has finished his part and it’s all stuck together. Hopefully it looks awesome.
My other project will only last a day or two, unfortunately, and that is Skittle-vodka! Which I have lovingly dubbed Skittlebrau. I am infusing vodka with Skittles for Debari’s going away party, and hopefully it will taste awesome. I’ve always wanted to do it, ever since I discovered the recipe, but have only now finally been able to do it. I’m about half-way through the process at the moment, the skittles are steeping in the vodka at the moment. I’m pretty much going to leave them until tomorrow, then I just have to strain them and chill them and they’re ready to go.
Anyway, apart from doing things like that, creating things with my hands, I guess you’d call it, I think a lot of things make me happy. I’m a fairly happy person! I mean, I do suffer from depression, but I think that that gives me an even greater perspective from which to view the things that do make me happy, and to appreciate them more.
Let’s see. I like to learn! I like learning for the sake of learning though, not so much the structure and cramming of formal education. I mean, I’ll get back there eventually, probably when I’m back in Sydney, but I like just learning things for the sake of the knowledge itself. When I was an insomniac I would lie in bed and hit ‘random article’ in wikipedia on my iphone. That is a great way to learn about a lot of different things. I mean, you might have to press it a couple times to find something actually interesting, and not just like, a backwater town in Indianapolis. But when you do, it’s great! I learned about poets and great battles and historic events and all kinds of things.
So there you go. Learning makes me happy. I like playing video games! Nothing quite beats that feeling of knowing you have a great videogame to play when you get home, with a meaty storyline you can’t wait to uncover. I suppose in that same vein, reading also makes me happy. But probably not as much as videogames. I reaaaaally like videogames.
So there’s that. Videogames.
I guess all this sort of makes me happy on a fairly superficial level, though. If we’re going to talk about what really makes me happy, you can’t really get higher than Tim. Just being near him makes me happy. To even a deep psychological level. The time I’ve been with him has seen a dramatic change in my personality, my depression, my self-esteem. He literally makes me happy. Not just, you know, is funny and cheers me up. But he makes me happy. And that’s something that I’ve never felt from anyone else. Not my parents, not anyone. That’s not to say the rest of you don’t make me happy! Dont’ get me wrong. But I’ve never been with a person that makes me happy just from his very existence.
I guess that’s why I married him!
And Rosie. Man, if only she knew how much pleasure I derive simply from her being alive. Silly puppy, she is scarfing down her food as I write, and she ate it too fast again. I wish I could show you guys how affectionate Rosie is when no-one else is around. She gets distracted so easily that sometimes I can’t even call Tim in to check it out without ruining it. But sometimes she just wants cuddles and comes and puts her head in my lap and falls asleep, or tries to sit on my lap even though she is way too big. She is so affectionate, but other people don’t really get to see it, because she just spazzes out when there are people nearby. She really is a beautiful creature, and she makes me very happy.
Ya wanna know one more thing that makes me happy? It’s pretty weird. Maybe not so much ‘happy’ as a very deep-seated contentedness. It’s a bit weird, and very specific. Okay, well, it all date back to when I was in high school. I was horribly depressed in high school and I didn’t even know it. I wasn’t diagnosed until I’d left, but looking back, I think I’ve been depressed since I was about 12. I remember a doctor trying to tell me once when I was like, in year 8 or 9 and I just didn’t believe her. “Pshaw! Depressed! Not me!” Anyway, so I didn’t have a great time in highschool. I mean, I wasn’t really bullied or anything, a lot of my demons were of my own creation. But I didn’t have a great time. It wasn’t made any better by the fact that my home life was pretty stressful too. Dad was usually pissed at me for something, and if he wasn’t, I had to tiptoe around to make sure he didn’t start. So I found a lot of solace in sleep. I slept a lot.
So basically, what I’m getting around to is this. I would get home from school, make myself a coffee and a sandwich, eat it in bed and then go to sleep. So, 100% to this day, I get this really comforted feeling when I eat the combination of peanut butter and, specifically, Moccona’s Mocha Kenya instant coffee. Bonus comfort points if I eat it while wrapped in a blanket.
And that’s why I keep Mocha Kenya and peanut butter around to this day.