Matter Of Fact, I’ve Got It Now

Having told, and retold, this story more times than I can actually remember, I figure it’s about time that I immortalised it in print. This has two benefits: first of all, the next time somebody asks me about it I can write down this site’s address, slip it into their shirt pocket and slap them on the shoulder in an overly familiar and slightly condescending manner, saving myself time and energy while simultaneously reinforcing my image as a huge wanker. Secondly and perhaps more importantly, Jess – who has heard the story approximately seventeen-and-a-half bajillion times – will no longer have to restrain herself from choking me to death every time the story needs retelling.

But what is the story, Tim. What’s it all about. Well, I’m glad you asked…

You see, I think Victoria Bitter is great. Not the drink, of course – it tastes like somebody accidentally spilled yeast into paint stripper and let it ferment. Not the drink, no thanks, but the… the meta. Everything about Victoria Bitter – its history of sportsmen and moustaches, its constant presence at barbeques, race riots and other quintessentially white-Australian haunts and even its delightful advertisements with their barely restrained homo-eroticism and their chest-butting, sheep-shearing, bicep-crunching, sweat-dripping machismo. All these things, I find utterly fascinating. But there is nothing about Victoria Bitter that I love so much as its theme music.

You know the one. Dun dun dun, da-da-da-da dah nah, da dah nah, dah nah, da-da-da nah…. It’s great. It is, isn’t it. It’s practically the second national anthem, or at least the third if you count Waltzing Matilda. And quite frankly I do, because any song about a guy who steals a sheep and then leaps into a pond to get away has my vote.

Anyway, the urge came upon me a while back to actually try and acquire this theme music for myself. If it was in my possession, then I would be able to play it any time I wanted. No more sitting glued to the car radio waiting for an advert to come on for me, no sir! I hastened immediately to the nearest computron and found the Fosters website, hoping that they would be able to provide me with the musical crack cocaine that I so desperately craved.

In fact, they didn’t. They didn’t have anything at all, other than a glistening photo of a Victoria Bitter bottle and an angry paragraph describing to me in detail just how much more chest hair I would spontaneously grow with every sheep-shearing swig. I was lost. I was hopeless. So I did what any sane man would do in my situation.

I filed a support ticket.

From: Tim
To: Fosters Consumer Relations
Subject: Victoria Bitter Theme Music [Incident: 080729-000]
Date: 29th July 2008

Hi guys,

Some years ago, I remember that it was possible to download the VB theme from your website. I can’t seem to find the link anymore. I love the theme to pieces and it would be great to have it on my playlist! Can you please bring it back, or send it to me?

Thanks a lot!
Tim

A reasonable request from a reasonable man. Surely Fosters would not stand in the way of my divine imperative! Two days later, just as my vision began to blur and the shakes set in, a reply arrived.

From: Betty (Fosters Consumer Relations)
To: Tim
Subject: Victoria Bitter Theme Music [Incident: 080729-000]
Date: 31st July 2008

Hi Tim,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us at Foster’s.

Plesae find attached the VB Theme music.

Please contact us again should you have any further queries we can assist you with.

Kind Regards,
Foster’s Consumer Relations

Yes! I eagerly downloaded the file, told the stereo to kick it to the max and hit play.

No dice. It was not the Victoria Bitter theme music. In fact, it was an mp3 recording of a radio advertisement about the Victoria Bitter theme music. Close, but not quite. It was clear they needed clarification. I pulled my broken heart together long enough to compose a reply.

From: Tim
To: Betty (Fosters Consumer Relations)
Subject: Victoria Bitter Theme Music [Incident: 080729-000]
Date: 31st July 2008

Hi Betty!

Thanks for the response and the attached mp3. Unfortunately I was hoping for the actual theme itself, not the radio ad about the theme. Is it available at all? I’m sure I used to have it. I could just dig up the Magnificent Seven theme, but it’s not the same 🙁

Thanks again,
Tim

They had been good before – would they be good again? I waited eagerly to see if they would return to me. Days passed, then weeks. Then months. I returned to a normal life, and forgot my dark past. That is, until December, when I happened to chance across the old email in my inbox. I immediately tried to fire off another reply to dear ol’ Betty but The Man slapped me in the face, telling me that my incident number was too old and had been closed due to lack of activity. They had forgotten me!

I raced to the Fosters website, retrieved my password details and opened another support ticket. I would not be denied.

From: Tim
To: Fosters Consumer Relations
Subject: Victoria Bitter Theme Music [Incident: 081205-000031]
Date: 5th December 2008

This question references closed incident 080729-000055.

I still have not received an answer to my question. Is it possible get a copy of the Victoria Bitter theme music? Not a radio ad *about* the theme music, but the theme music itself.

If you would like to bargain, I am happy to offer Fosters a large art project I did which features Victoria Bitter in the position of God in an Australian parody of Michaelangelo’s painting of the Sistine Chapel. It is about 5 by 4 foot long and would look great in the Fosters offices.

I am very serious about this! Please respond.

Here I was, putting my heart and soul on the line. Not to mention a 5-by-4-foot piece of polystyrene on which I had clumsily glued a Victoria Bitter related cartoon. Would they respond? It turns out they would, in fact. Four days later, I heard from the lovely and talented Moira:

From: Moira (Fosters Consumer Relations)
To: Tim
Subject: Victoria Bitter Theme Music [Incident: 081205-000031]
Date: 9th December 2008

Hi Tim,

Sorry it took a while, but we finally managed to get a copy of the VB theme music. We’d love to get a photo of your art work, which we will pass onto the brand team to have a look at.

If you have any problems with the file, please let me know.

Kind Regards,
Foster’s – Consumer Relations

Yes! There it was, in black and white pixels: an attached mp3 file promisingly labeled: “01 VB Theme Music”. I downloaded it, cranked the stereo, and hit play.

Glorious music. Sweet, beery majesty. No radio ads, no voiceovers, nothing but the Victoria Bitter Theme Music, a sweeping, uplifting piece of Australiana that looped over and over for five minutes and twenty amazing seconds. It was everything I wanted, and it was mine at last.

Jess, bless her soul, indulged me for the entire length of the song before politely asking me to not do that ever again. I agreed. I also kept my word, and sent Moira a picture of the art project I did. Here it is:

Moira never did get back to me. I guess they didn’t like what they saw, but that doesn’t bother me too much. I got what I needed, and if they can’t see fit to decorate their offices with the most definitive piece of Australian artwork since the time of Frederick McCubbin, well, that’s their business. Me, I’m just happy to be able to share this music with the world.

Matter of fact, I’ve uploaded it now.