Federal Treasurer Joe Hockey, who earns over $230,000 a year, has delivered his stunning vision overnight for an Australia in which everybody who isn’t staggeringly rich can “fuck off and die”.
“This is a budget full of tough decisions that will help get the country back on track, after Lame-bore totally ruined it, I guess,” said Hockey.
“When we say ‘tough’ decisions we mean ‘decisions that will affect those who are doing it tough’, of course,” Hockey added. “This is basically entirely driven by ideology. If you’re poor, just kill yourself now and save time.”
Among the raft of you-fucking measures introduced by Hockey — who is married to a rich and powerful investment banker — is a $7 co-payment for people to visit their doctor.
This co-payment, which has been unanimously criticised by the actual healthcare industry, has been specifically targeted by Hockey in order to do the most damage to poor people when they are at their weakest.
“It’s not legal anymore to just trample poor people under your magnificent purebred destrier as you thunder through the streets,” Hockey explained, a wistful look on his face. “This new measure will ensure that poor people who need medical treatment don’t get it, and instead just die.”
Students, unemployed and other young people “can probably have shittier lives”
The nation’s vulnerable can also be expected to be roundly fucked over by new, inconceivably totalitarian welfare rules that ensure a six-month waiting period for anybody looking to secure unemployment benefits.
When asked how the fuck he expected people to somehow keep six months worth of money on hand so that they didn’t starve to death, Hockey said that “there was pain all round” and “everybody was doing it tough”.
Students are also doing it tough in the latest budget, with Hockey — whose own two degrees in law and arts cost him literally nothing under previous Australian government policies — insisting that students need to pay more and that universities can charge “whatever the fuck they want”. Any money loaned from the government through HELP programs will also need to be paid back faster and with more interest, because “fuck you”.
“This will make our universities competitive on a global level,” said Hockey. “I think it’s really likely that universities will use this deregulation to lower their fees to reasonable amounts. That’s definitely going to happen.”
“Also, anybody doing a PhD can just suck my dick.”
Hockey shifted awkwardly in his seat and attempted to conceal his erection as he explained that future students would also suffer the ravaging effects of his fucking. Savings of $30 billion are expected from scrapping the Gonski school funding plan, which was based on literally years of research and negotiations that, according to Hockey, “are for losers”.
Poor people comforted by knowledge that rich people still living the dream
While the poor, the sick, the disabled and the unemployed may consider themselves to be unfairly burdened by the new budget, Hockey says that’s not the case. “Companies and rich people are doing it tough as well,” he insisted. “I’m personally increasing the amount of money it costs for a rich CEO to book private time with me from a yearly $22,000 ‘donation’ to a $22,050 ‘donation’.”
Large corporations and rich people in Australia have been rewarded for their ‘donations’ to Joe Hockey and the Liberal Party, with their own “heavy lifting” being the equivalent of, like, a fucking feather or some shit. Even though the abolishment of negative gearing and the closing of tax loopholes would save the government literally billions each year, Hockey insists that rich people are “already suffering enough”.
“We’ve implemented a temporary — not permanent, don’t worry — 2 per cent debt levy on anybody earning over $180,000 a year who isn’t smart enough to hire an accountant to make them look like they earn less than $180,000 a year,” said Hockey. “We’re calling it the Accountant Spending Spree, or ASS.”
Mining corporations are also doing it just so fucking tough in the new budget, with Hockey scrapping the mining tax while simultaneously allowing unfathomably rich mining companies to continue paying less for their fuel than the average Australian.
Hockey — whose own children will literally never want for anything in their entire fucking lives — described these measures as “tough but fair”, saying “What these companies are doing is creating jobs, and that’s good. I don’t see any reason to tax them or make life difficult for them at all.”
Other spending measures “useful” not “fucking stupid”, Hockey insists
But it’s not all bad news for the nation’s most vulnerable. Hockey says that even the poorest Australian can “be thankful that they are now protected” by $12 billion worth of outdated, shitty fighter planes that nobody wants.
“And we’ve frozen pay increases for politicians for a little bit!” Hockey added excitedly. “We didn’t cut them of course. Fuck that.”
“Tony Abbott only earns $500,000 a year,” he went on. “That’s basically fucking nothing.”
Poor people who can somehow afford to go to school will also be overjoyed to note that Hockey’s budget includes spending $250 million on a school chaplaincy program. “This is exactly what the country needs,” he said enthusiastically. “It’s really important, and a useful thing to spend money on in a time when everybody has to tighten their belts.”
“Oh and I’m also spending $10 million on an e-Safety Commissioner to make sure nobody says nasty things online,” added Hockey, drooling slightly from one corner of his mouth. “I understand the internet and am good at computer.”
Hockey to dig giant hole in the ground and just literally fuck it until coal comes out somehow
As penance for even thinking impure thoughts about possibly taxing mining companies or hurting their profits in any way, Hockey’s new budget includes a massive fucking of the environment. “Climate change is bullshit,” said Hockey confidently, ignoring overwhelming scientific consensus that immediate action was needed.
“Wind turbines are offensive and a blight on the landscape,” said Hockey (no, he actually said that one). “That’s why we’re building a fuckload of roads so you can drive more cars! Cars! CARS!”
“Carssssssssss,” he hissed.
Among the measures designed to fuck over the environment are a massive cut to the Australian Renewable Energy Agency, a spreading out of the money set aside to fight carbon emissions (climate change isn’t real), and a giant kick in the balls to the CSIRO, Australia’s leading scientific research body.
“Fuck renewable energy,” Hockey murmured happily as he masturbated to completion over a picture of an open-face coal mine signed by Gina Rinehart, who literally earns as much every two minutes as this author earns in a year. “Just fuck it.”
Refugees still a threat to way of life, insists white man
The nation’s most vulnerable have until June 30 to organise their emigration to another country to get away from Joe Hockey’s relentless fucking. Of course, since they’re so poor, it’s quite likely they won’t be able to leave. In the meantime, Hockey also claimed that by “stopping the boats” he had saved more than $2.5 billion.
“I could have saved nearly $5 billion by just not subsidising the mining industry, but fuck that,” said Hockey, laughing. “Fuck that.”
The majority of the changes in Hockey’s fuckbudget come from recommendations handed down by the Federal Government’s Commission of Audit report. The head of the Commission of Audit received $157,000 for literally just five month’s work, while others on the Commission, including former Liberal ministers, received $80,000 or more.
“This just proves that the age of entitlement is over,” said Hockey. “The age of being entitled to knowledge of government workings, that is.”
“I’m going to change the way Freedom of Information laws work, so fuck you.”
Hockey wrapped up a successful first budget by heading to the offices of The Daily Telegraph, notorious for their disgustingly relentless support of the Liberal government, where he and fellow rich white man Tony Abbott celebrated their strict belt-tightening measures in style by drinking expensive champagne.
“Don’t forget: gay boat people want your jobs,” said Hockey, as he lit another cuban cigar and prepared to send his son off to private school.